10 Afterlife Tips For Men: How To Get Back On Track After Separation, Divorce, Being Cheated On Or Generally Being Dumped By The Man You Love
Your life has come to a standstill. For years you gave everything to the man of your life, and now you discover that he cheated on you, or that he doesn’t love you anymore-well-suddenly you find yourself out there alone, divorced, separated, without a man by your side, angry and dejected . How do you get back on your feet? How do you start to feel better about yourself? How do you deal with children, especially angry teenagers? You need a job but you haven’t worked for years. What the hell now, where do you start? I look forward to helping you with a series of articles, of which this is the first, because this is where it starts: finding yourself and learning to love who you are before you walk out on your feet and find your feet in the big big world for your account.
Now you may be wondering how the heck would you know what I’m talking about. Trust me, I do. At 44 years old I am a single mother of 4 children aged 20, 18, 11 and 7, three girls and a boy. And I’ve been single for a while. I went through all the motions: anger, discouragement, the whole story. I too had to learn to love myself after spending years with a man who told me I was worthless. I also had to figure out who I am, what I like, and where I want to go from there, and I had to go out and find a job after not working for almost six years. Also, I had two angry teenagers (VERY in my son’s case) who suddenly found freedom from dictatorship and tried their best to try everything they weren’t allowed to try before. Do you want to become the best friend of your teenager? I’ll show you how, but that’s another article entirely. Let’s start with you. So you feel fat, ugly and worthless? So do you feel like no one out there can ever love you back? Be realistic. He’s the one who lost, not you. You are special, you are unique, and you have to realize that before you can do anything else. So where to start?
1) Find out what you like (maybe you liked it) and rediscover it. We all have our little things. With me, it’s writing. I write novels. I lose myself in them. When our problems started, they became my crutch. My characters became real. I involved my eldest daughter (then 17 years old). She became a great bonding tool between the four of us because the children enjoyed sharing ideas with me and getting new ideas for my novels. Anichia even joined me and wrote a few pages. The new ideas I got came mainly from her. The point is that we all have something we enjoy doing and when you’re surviving in a bad marriage, you tend to forget those things. It becomes a battle to stay sane. go back there. Maybe you liked gardening? Go for it: rediscover the garden and landscape in China if that’s what you like to do. Find out what you like and start doing those things. It is a great therapy and it helps you rediscover yourself, because that is what you need the most.
2) Give yourself a makeover. I have been told so many times that I am useless. Now I agree on one thing, I am not a housewife. My head is in the clouds most of the time, but I tell you this, I know I did the best I could, and I know I’m not fat, ugly, or old. But after so long, you tend to feel like you’re all of those things: worthless, fat, and ugly. What did I do? I cut my hair. Simple, easy and cheap, but tell me what, it worked. I felt better. Then I went a little further and got a tattoo. That made him angry and it made me very happy, not because he was angry about it, but because I walked out of that tattoo parlor full of pride. He had done something I never thought I would have the guts to do and I felt like a new woman. Of course, I took my two teenagers and went to the pub (me for a shot of tequila and them for coke) immediately afterwards and ended up comparing tattoos with other women like me. Incredible feeling. Now don’t rush into getting tattoos just because I said it worked for me. Maybe you need to go to a spa and soak in a jacuzzi and get your nails done. What works for you. indulge. Tell yourself that you are special, because you are.
3) Get a new hobby. What is it that you always wanted to do? Learn to play golf? Go diving? Go out and do it. Nothing stops you? You might discover something about yourself that you never knew, and you might make new friends. Go ahead, have fun. Life is meant to be lived, not a moped.
4) Go out and make new friends. Harder than it sounds, but worth it. I didn’t have a car for a while, so the kids and I had to walk everywhere. That meant that I met a lot of new people and saw a lot of new faces. Many of those people became good friends and they all supported me through the whole process. It’s funny though: The friends I thought I had while I was married suddenly disappeared off the face of the earth. Get ready for it. Those that are fake will fade away and the ones you do now will remain. Flush your shyness down the toilet and flush. People are nicer than you think. Go ahead and find out for yourself.
5) Take time to be with your children and do things with them that you always wanted to do but never had time for. Survival rubs off on children and very soon they forget that they are just that: children. Rediscover them, find out who they are and what they like, listen to their music, go for a walk, take them to the park, get in the car and take them to the museum or on vacation. We did that: my son is a surfer and he wanted to try it out, so I decided to take him and do a long weekend. We did that twice, and in the process we became closer than I thought we could ever be. My 20-year-old son discusses absolutely everything with me, and I mean everything, and my son does pretty much the same thing. What other mother can boast that her teenage sons trust her like that? That’s because I involved them in my life, my decisions, my anxieties and my joys. Are my life. Your children are your life. Make them part of yours.
6) Take long walks on your own and look around you. Discover nature and yourself. Be alone from time to time, but don’t get depressed or worry. Take a walk, look at the flowers, the trees, the birds – take walks and think about yourself and your children and your plans and what you want out of life, where you want to be five years from now or just don’t think, just look. Pink sings a song ‘Leave me alone (I want to be alone)’ Sometimes you have to be alone to find yourself.
7) Get involved in the lives of people less fortunate than you. My teenagers were never allowed friends, not until dad left. Now suddenly friends came and the house came to life. wow! It was great! But with that I learned that many headaches are worse than mine, like the fourteen-year-old girl with a 23-year-old boyfriend who got pregnant, or the 16-year-old boy whose adoptive father abuses him, children who feel they have no hope. He made me sick, he made me angry, and he made us want to be involved in their lives. It took my focus away from my own problems and seemed to make them less important. That helped.
8) Stay motivated and positive. You will have days when you are depressed and everything seems to drag you down. Fight it. Get up, straighten your back, take a long hot bath, and stay positive. It’s not easy but it’s worth it. Don’t let life get you down, life discourages you.
9) Play music (very loud) and sing or dance your heart out. Don’t laugh, but while I was married I forgot how much I enjoyed Bon Jovi’s music. When my husband left, I rediscovered it and also discovered that my son’s music is actually not that bad. I started singing along with Linkin Park, full blast, no matter the neighbors. Dependent? No problem. I blast Jon Bon Jovi and sing at the top of my lungs while cleaning house and pretty soon I feel like a million bucks. The words in his lyrics speak to me and give me hope. Listen to “It’s My Life”; trust me – that one works wonders for me. Music works miracles.
10) Gather some of your best friends and go out for the night. we did that. Rachel and I and a few other girls went to Waves, a local restaurant, and had a few drinks, laughed a little, and sang karaoke. What a night! I had to drag Rachel by the scruff (she was in the same position as me but more depressed) but she did us both a lot of good. A word of warning: don’t get drunk (there’s nothing more disgusting than a drunk woman) and don’t be tempted to hook up with a man who seems interested. Stay away! That night is about you, not getting laid and the next morning you’ll just wake up hating yourself. Find yourself before you find a new love, otherwise it will never work.
I hope these tips have helped. That’s where I started and it’s a good place to start. I am on my way and I feel better about myself than I have for many years. I do not need a man. I have what I need. If I find someone, great. If I don’t, great. Life is worth living. Start doing that. To live.