Why do some people consistently negotiate better deals that participants implement without a hitch, while others seem to walk away from the negotiation feeling fleeced and bewildered?
I think that the level of satisfaction and general satisfaction with which we end the negotiations is approximately equivalent to the level of satisfaction with which we started
Or, as author Robert Pirsig once said, “The only Zen you’ll find on top of a mountain is the Zen you brought there with you!”
People who know themselves, have clear and solid goals, and are fundamentally comfortable, comfortable with themselves, so to speak, make the best negotiators. This goes against our stereotype of the best negotiators; those shrewd, sly, secretive souls we might expect to meet at car dealerships or at opposite tables in a courtroom.
I teach negotiation in extension programs at UC Berkeley and UCLA, and I also take my techniques to private companies, public agencies, and non-profit organizations.
Typically, the people who attend are grateful that they have learned how to save money by buying, leasing, or even gracefully retiring from financial commitments on cars, homes, and the various loans that encumber them.
Attendees also learn to be smarter entrepreneurs and to negotiate more pleasant and effective work rules with their peers, bosses, and subordinates in the organization.
I present no less than 101 tips, or as the course title calls them, “Best Practices in Negotiation”(TM).
So what’s the problem, especially if every now and then everyone checks the box on my reviews saying “I WOULD RECOMMEND this class to others”?
The problem is, no, let me rephrase that, the challenge is that everyone who attends a class, reads a book, or listens to a CD, is trying to negotiate more than a good deal here and there, even though they may not bill. .
People are looking for BETTER LIVES.
Having a fancier car or a fancier home and a few custom threads can position you for a greater sense of satisfaction, no doubt. But what will be your ticket to the “BIG H” for general happiness?
And this ineffable state of being could be the result of your skills as a negotiator?
Not only can happiness be negotiated, but it must be, as I see it, especially if you want to be effective in your mundane negotiating encounters.
All effective negotiations begin with self-negotiation, doing what is commonly known as “goal setting.”
What do you want from life and from the negotiation you are about to enter?
What are you willing to accept? Is the “get-by” of the mother, as Zig Ziglar labels the bare minimum?
Is that misery enough for you?
Or, generally, you expect something substantially more advantageous in all departments; a better job, a better school, better health insurance? And occasionally, do you insist on receiving the BEST goods, services and results available?
Let’s get personal.
Millions of people find themselves trapped in damaging or deficient interpersonal relationships, from which they feel there is no way to break free or escape. Day after day, week after week, and year after year, they endure in circumstances that are nothing short of punishing.
How?
They may very well believe that they deserve no better and that if they were to take their emotions to the relationship market, they would walk away and be rewarded with even worse treatment than the one they are running away from, back home.
These people have a self-esteem problem. At least tacitly, they have “bargained” poorly on the space between the ears, placing a depressed value on their attractiveness. The result is an “I’m not worth much” assessment on their sleeve that resembles a billboard to outsiders, including our fellow negotiators.
But before you pity them or dismiss their situation as something we can’t relate to, consider how we might be doing the same thing, just in different contexts.
You have been enslaving yourself in a job that pays you much less than what you are worth. Why?
You’re driving a battered old car that’s bleeding you dry in repair costs and plaguing you with the fear of premature breakdown.
“But it’s paid for!” you justify
Not really. It’s still depreciating as it ages, and those repair costs are payments made to mechanics and parts stores rather than banks, but they’re ongoing costs nonetheless.
You can lease or buy a great car for little more than the average monthly cost of repairs and gas mileage. But you are accepting your current, most miserable state as permanent.
About a year ago I was looking for a car and seriously looked at various iterations of the Ford Mustang. Since I was a child, I have always admired its style and power, so I went to buy a convertible.
I found what I was looking for, in a sultry black on black. Great ride!
When negotiations came around, I was dismayed to discover that I would have to fork out $500-$700 a month for a 36-month lease, given the equipment I wanted.
“At these prices,” I remember saying to myself, “I could drive something BETTER!”
Despite my efforts to cut costs, I walked out of one Ford dealer after another. And they let me walk, gladly!
I took a look at the Mercedes-Benz website. Lo and behold, I spotted a sleek and sexy CLK 350 Mercedes Convertible for just $595 a month, plus tax.
Amazing! Impossible! Amazing!
But true.
Within days he was driving one on a lease that requires only a 27-month commitment, not the 36-month term he faced at Ford. Also, the car I traded is equipped with optional equipment. No additional charge!
The Mercedes is a $60,000 car, and the Mustangs I tested cost around
$40,000 each.
How can a Mercedes priced 50% higher cost LESS?
Its rental price is lower because its resale value is comparatively much higher than that of the Mustang.
Am I happy with a high-status, high-performance, gas-guzzling Mercedes (30+ highway mpg!) than I am with a cute, but not quite the same, Mustang?
Hey!
What is the moral of the story?
When you’re negotiating with yourself, setting goals, always at least ask yourself, “Can I do better than this?” However, as Tony Robbins recommends, ask this question over and over again: “How can I improve this?”
We sell ourselves in many other ways.
You know you should go back to school and finish that degree or certificate, but you’ve been putting it off. With a higher credential, you could qualify for better jobs at your current company and beyond.
But you’ve made a deal with yourself that he’s one of the worst types. It has no expiration date, no enforcement provisions, and no clear and substantial penalties for non-compliance.
You’ve said to yourself, “I’ll get around to it, one day.”
Would you accept for a moment if a boss told you that he would pay you “something” when you “do it”? Of course you wouldn’t.
It’s absurd, yet we make these loose deals with ourselves all the time, when we choose to procrastinate. And when we procrastinate, we are aware of our self-sabotage, at least unconsciously, and despise ourselves for it.
Feeling worse about ourselves, procrastination leads us to lower our performance standards and undermine our expectations regarding what we can put in and take out of life.
What happens to you, if you undervalue yourself and suddenly find yourself negotiating not in your mind, with yourself as a partner, but sitting across the table negotiating with your boss for a raise, or trying to get a loan from your banker?
How will you behave and how does this differ from the movements that a happier, more confident and positive person would make?
(1) You are likely to collapse in various positions, even if you are only gently pushed.
(2) Will make concessions, without demanding concessions, in return.
(3) You’ll cut your prices too much too fast, precipitating bad deals.
(4) You will agree to impossible terms and then regret it.
(5) You will compromise your interests, without conscience.
Summarizing this, happy negotiators are better negotiators. They have already done the essential legwork of straightening themselves out before they hit the ground running with their negotiating counterparts.
And by winning at the negotiation, they set in motion a positive cycle of achievement that makes them even more confident while encouraging them to set even higher goals.
So when and where do the negotiations start?
They always start with us, with our goals and with our own image.
Line them up correctly, and you’ll probably be happy, arriving and leaving the negotiating table with more than you really want and need.