Very few people who find my blog are happily married or totally okay with their divorce or separation. Most of my readers have real problems in their marriages or are recently separated/considering divorce, but are not happy about it at all. They want to save their marriages, but they aren’t sure if this is even a possibility and they don’t want to get their hopes up out of fear, rejection, or disappointment. The other day, someone wrote to me and asked how she could make her husband look attractive (even though they were separated) because she wanted him so much. I will share with you what I told him in the following article.
Games, despair and negative emotions are not attractive to estranged spouses: Before I tell you how to do your best, I first want to share with you what absolutely doesn’t work for most men. Once the reality of the separation or breakup hits you, it is absolutely normal to feel panic and fear. Everybody goes through this.
But if you want your husband back, you can’t let these emotions drive your actions. Many wives are sure they must do something, anything, to get her husband’s attention and lure him back home. They will try many things to achieve this. Some try the seductive, sweet and sugary approach. Others want her mercy or her guilt. Still others will lash out and become combative, feeling that starting a fight will at least elicit a reaction.
But, all of these tactics share the same fatal flaw. All of them provoke negative feelings in her husband. Whether he feels guilty, angry, or frustrated, she still doesn’t like how he feels when she thinks of you or interacts with you. This must change if you want to save your marriage.
If your husband wants distance so much that he is willing to contemplate separation, then you must give him that distance. If she doesn’t, then she will only push further away from her in a desperate attempt to get what she wants. In fact, she will finish this process much faster (and painlessly) if she goes with it than against it. If everything is always a fight or a battle, then she will no longer line up to interact with you.
The delicate dance you have to get right: Often when I talk to people about the things I mentioned above, some will say something like “Okay, I see. They want me to try the opposite tactic. They want me to play hard to get or pretend I don’t.” don’t you care, or are you trying to make him jealous?” No, it’s not really that either. Because this is also an act that is a bit hard to believe and will often not seem sincere. He will read as “plot” or “plot” and he will just ignore this drama too.
To truly be successful (and look attractive), you have to engage in what I call a graceful dance. You must be clear that you want to save your marriage and you do not want the breakup. But you must also portray a woman who has a calm, dignified confidence that she will be fine no matter what life throws her way. And no, you don’t want to date other people or try to make him jealous. I think doing this will only encourage it to do the same (which you absolutely don’t want). However, you want to leave him brooding and wondering what is going on with you.
To that end, you’ll want to allude to the fact that you think rest could be a good thing, that you’re going to take this opportunity to step back, assess your life, and let go of stress. So you want him to know that you’re dating, you’re seeing your friends, you’re having fun, but you’d rather be doing these things with him. However, it can be handled just fine as this is not happening.
Know what he loves about you:Once you get your tension level down and he’s no longer avoiding you, you want to really focus on the things that made him fall in love with you. You want it to almost have a sense of déjà vu when you’re around. People often tell me that this is too much to ask. Your heart is breaking, and yet I am telling you to present yourselves as cheerful, open, and attractive. I understand this. But, I’m not really asking you to be someone other than who you already are (and always were).
The truth is that our spouses often see in us what we cannot see in ourselves. And I don’t necessarily mean looks (although you should look your best). There was a spark or light in you that he saw and was drawn to. You issued it, no one else. But, due to daily life and its pressures, the light has been dimming for both of them. (And they are both guilty of this, so is he.) That light is often the reflection of two people having fun and being comfortable together. That has been lost. You must get it back. He must feel happier with you than without you.
He won’t be able to do this until you can share some pleasant and lighthearted exchanges in which you both have fun. Save the talk about your marital problems for another time. This can wait until you’re back on solid ground and will be more effective anyway. Right now, your only goal is to really think about and identify the qualities you miss the most and show them to him during your times together (which you should let him initiate). This in turn will create those shared experiences that I have been insisting on. These shared experiences are what built a solid foundation on which you will rebuild, little by little.
Eventually, you’ll want to spend more time together and less time apart, as you realize you made an early mistake.