Marriages can be challenging, and they can be even more challenging when children and a former spouse from a previous marriage are involved. Romantics enter relationships with rose-colored glasses, hoping that new beginnings will lead to happy endings and a fantastic intermission. Sometimes people do not anticipate the lack of bonding between stepchildren and their stepparents. When they do, they imagine it’s just a passing cloud that they’ll get over quickly, but sometimes it doesn’t happen that fast. All is not lost; Here are some tips on how to handle second marriages and stepchildren.
- Be flexible with your parenting style. If you find your partner’s approach to parenting a bit different than what you’re used to, you might compromise a bit to suit their style. This is especially applicable if your method does not harm the general behavior of children. You should also give your children and stepchildren plenty of time to adjust to the changes they will experience as the stepparents move in.
- Prioritize your marriage. Just because your first marriage didn’t work out doesn’t mean your second marriage will fail too. Let go of guilty feelings and work to give your new spouse the best of you. And just because there are stepchildren involved, doesn’t mean the marriage should take second place since you put all your efforts into trying to impress the kids.
- Set limits, early and often. If you don’t make it clear to your new spouse and stepchildren what you expect of them, they will never give it to you. The first most important thing is RESPECT, and it applies to your spouse, biological children, in-laws and stepchildren. Sometimes you will feel like a stranger in your own home, but respectfully make it known what your expectations are; what you can tolerate and what you can’t.
- Don’t take it personally when your stepchildren overreact and behave irritatingly in the early days of the union. Sometimes they are dealing with mixed emotions and are trying to cope with the blended family. When children compare you to their biological parents, try not to let it make you nervous. Just work to keep stress out of your marriage.
- Don’t be a doormat. As he tries to keep up with the sensitivities and changing emotions of his stepsons, don’t hesitate to talk and talk about discipline. If you don’t say anything every time they act strange, resentment will build up and you could soon find yourself unable to fit in with the family. Strive to be on the same page as your spouse when it comes to discipline.
- Going on date nights is fine. It’s up to you and your spouse to show the children that second marriages can be a match made in heaven. Date nights are part of a thriving marriage, and don’t let the guilt of leaving them behind with a babysitter hold you back.
- Don’t control your partner. Allow them to spend time with your children without you being in the picture. This will show children that you do not want to take away their birth parents and that you do not have insecurities. Spending time together can include trips to the store, watching a movie together, or bedtime talks. Children can feel a lot about the way you allow them to relate to their parents.
- Never make your spouse choose sides. When you and your spouse disagree about something about your stepchildren, don’t make them feel like they have to choose between you and your children. Avoid, at all costs, arguing with your spouse in front of the children about a decision that needs to be made regarding them. Putting your spouse in a situation where she feels that she is in the middle of you and your children is a step towards marriage failure.
- Be fully prepared and know what you are agreeing to before you say “I do.” Establishing a blended family can take more time and energy. Seek advice from people in blended families and learn from them. Every marriage is unique, but some things are common to second marriages involving stepchildren and stepparents. Do not be discouraged by the horror stories you will hear because they can also happen in a first marriage. If you know what you’ll get out of the union and you’re ready to weather the storm, go ahead and make your second marriage a rewarding experience.
- Seek professional advice if the difficult times are more than you can bear. Sometimes the problems that come with a second marriage may not go away as quickly as you hope. They can even intensify during the holidays and family occasions like graduations and birthdays. Sometimes it can seem like you’re in a rut and feel like you’re not good enough as a stepparent. If you still feel that the marriage can work with some help, do not hesitate to involve the support of marriage counselors. They will work with you and try to help you find your balance.
Second marriages can work, probably better, than a first marriage. By applying these ten tips, you’ll increase your chances of having a happy, blended family that no one would think of as a second family. Be careful what advice you take from various books, blogs, and people, because not all of them will be genuine about their need to see you happy in marriage. Most importantly, make your partner your best friend, and you’ll find how easy it will be to build lasting bonds and friendships with your stepchildren.