I sat frustrated, disappointed, and belittled by someone I was absolutely sure I didn’t want to be with. He said, “I could never be with anyone else” and a week after I broke up with him, he was actually dating someone else. I asked myself, “Why am I worrying so much?” while at the same time, he knew the answer: he had low self-esteem and had been equating his desire for me, praising me as a reflection of my unique worth and worth as a person. When it became clear that his esteem for me reflected his own desperation and not my worth, I was devastated.
At this point in my life, I knew enough about codependency to see that this was not healthy. Logically I knew that I would never find the kind of love I wanted if I didn’t love myself first, but it clearly wasn’t there. I had been looking outside myself for things that would make me feel better inside. It was not working. Also, trying to do I felt better myself DOING more, being more and giving more was not working either.
I started asking some tough questions about my beliefs about myself and the power I had to change them. He was pretty clear about how they developed coming from a dysfunctional family, but did that mean he had fatal flaws and was unable to change it even if he wanted to? What did I believe in? Having learned about the Law of Attraction, which says that, “Thoughts in mind produce according to their type” (Anderson and Whitehouse New thought), I knew that the power to change beliefs was within me. Low self-esteem thoughts may have seemed very real to me, but they were just thoughts. I realized that I was capable of making a decision, I could choose love myself.
I had been using affirmations for other aspects of my life for a few months, was it possible to use them for this as well? First, I tasted the water by saying some self-love affirmations: “I love and approve of myself.” After saying this out loud, the first thought that popped into my head was, “Yeah right!” Clearly, the truth of this statement was too far from my current level of belief about myself, it was just wishful thinking.
Then I remembered that at Life Coaching we break goals down into small steps to increase the likelihood of success, so I changed the statement to “I am willing love and approve of myself. “This was beginning to make me feel more comfortable. I was certainly willing. This gave me the space to gradually raise the level of my faith.
Saying the affirmation daily for a while, I began to feel that something else was missing … after all, the basis for starting this affirmation in the first place was that I had abdicated the power of my self-esteem to someone else. So, I changed the statement once more to reflect my inherent power to see myself as I choose. It became: “I accept the power of my kindness and self-esteem. I willingly love myself because I choose to do so and because I was created to be loved, valuable, and worthwhile.” Not only did this feel really powerful and life-changing, it also felt true to me. This was a choice that he could make on a daily basis.
Several years have passed since I started this particular affirmation and my belief in the power of affirmations is confirmed. I have seen a very gradual change in my beliefs about myself and my behavior. I am more likely to realize today when my limits are being violated, rather than dismissing my inner feelings. I sincerely believe that I have something to say and contribute to the world. I am no longer willing to settle for less than an authentic self in my relationships with others and I can honestly say that I like myself today.
If you find that your view of yourself is less than positive and you are continually looking for sources outside of yourself to improve it, I invite you to consider using affirmations to modify and change your beliefs about yourself. For me, the power of affirmations is undeniable.