What do you get when an emotionally immature man marries an emotionally immature woman? Answer: role reversal. The phenomenon is very widespread! Role reversal in marriage is so common that reality rings true in your own home – or very close to it! Almost everyone knows a family member or friend in a reversed marriage.
Role reversal in marriage is generally analyzed from the point of view of inequalities in education, income, and household chores. Bruce’s story is a great example.
“Our marriage is backwards and forwards. I am the stay-at-home dad. Among the four children, including our nine-year-old son Asher, I have changed 14,000 diapers. I do laundry, cleaning, and most of the the kitchen I worry about every cough and nosebleed.
Roni is a corporate attorney. He loves power tools, hardware stores, grills, and playing the stock market. She warns me not to jump every time someone hurts their knee so we don’t end up with a house full of whiners. She organizes, plans, and strategizes. But even though she is Generalissimo Momma, we fight for who has control “(Ms. Magazine, June 2003).
According to Bruce, Roni was more educated, earning triple his income (and triple his hours away from home), leaving him largely responsible for managing the children and household chores.
Bruce’s story captures the easily observable things that often occur in role-reversed marriages. Unbridled emotional content in these types of relationships is rarely controlled. For many couples it is the emotional reality not addressed at work and its disappearance. Even though Bruce’s relationship seems to work for them, check out her last sentence: “But even though she’s Generalissimo Momma, we fight for who’s in control.” Perhaps Generalissimo Momma is a funny but endearing pet name-I do not think so! The words that follow, “we fight for who is in control”, are a clue to an emotionally charged relationship.
It is not the chores that couples do. In many cases, an emotionally responsible and secure husband or wife can separate what they do from what they are. But for the emotionally immature it is not. It’s how we feel about homework. This is how we feel about homework. It is the tension between what God created us to be and what we were raised and socialized to be. Over the past 20 years, as a counselor and pastor, I have spoken with hundreds of husbands and wives. Many experience a role reversal. Husbands who experience a role reversal tend to be diplomatic, hospitable, and supportive. On the other hand, wives married to these husbands are often goal-oriented, focused, and trustworthy. All of these characteristics are positive and useful.
The irony is that Jesus was all of these things. Husbands and wives struggle to preserve their respective qualities when each can have them all. Think of these qualities as a left and right hand. Most of us have a dominant hand. It’s the one we use all the time. When threatened, the dominant hand almost without fail defends. The subordinate hand is the last resort. We have it. It works. We use it. Sometimes in low-risk situations, the subordinate hand makes a cameo. But above all, it is only used when necessary. Immediate relief comes to the reversed role marriage, when one of the spouses begins to engage with the subordinate hand. But for most, this simple idea is tied to fear and is therefore avoided entirely. Unfortunately, this contributes to emotional toxicity.
Each of the above characteristics has a toxic side for which Jesus died on the cross. Toxicity occurs when the strength of the husband and wife builds up to the point that it dominates interactions and the spouse cannot process what is happening quickly or thoroughly enough to achieve emotional stability. The inability to adapt to pressure results in emotional injury. Repeated injuries erode both the relationship and, more importantly, the desire for a relationship. Toxicity in husbands appears non-conflictive, passive aggressive, and uncompromised. To wives, toxicity appears as aggressive, controlling, and inflexible behaviors.
The main cause of emotional toxicity is the supercharging of forces. We do this in a number of ways. For most, our strengths are used in work and play. The constant use of our strengths strengthens them. Another way we devour our strengths is by associating ourselves exclusively with those who share them. In addition, our strengths are energized when we maintain unfavorable attitudes towards those who do not possess them.
There is another discovery I made about husbands and wives in emotionally reversed marriages. In fact, they have some underlying things in common. These shared characteristics are the axes of emotional immaturity. They prevent us from growing. They are especially evident in toxic relationships. Some things that reverse husbands and wives have in common are: fear, anger, and mistrust. For example, a husband often fears abandonment. A wife fears rejection. A husband is generally angry with himself for giving up his power to another. A wife is angry at others for abusing the power assigned to them. Those husbands don’t rust themselves, while their wives don’t trust others.
Both husbands and wives in emotionally reversed marriages are rebellious toward authority. Husbands often refuse to take God-given authority and wives usurp God-given authority. Perhaps the best way to start reordering emotionally charged role-reversal marriages is to explore the things husbands and wives have in common. It would certainly contribute to a robust dialogue. And I don’t think a husband or wife would covet the right to brag in such a conversation!