Sometimes I hear from wives who are devastated by a new revelation from their husbands: that he is no longer sure he loves his wife. Sometimes this revelation comes up during an argument. Other times, the husband is simply being brutally honest. No matter how this information comes out, it is not only very painful, but can lead to an uncomfortable situation.
I heard of a wife who said, “A couple of days ago, my husband sat me down and told me that he couldn’t live a lie anymore and that he needed to be honest with me. From the tone of his voice, I suspected he was going to tell me He had cheated and maybe he was in love with the other woman. My suspicions were wrong. Instead, he told me he’s not sure he loves me anymore. He insisted there was no one else. He claimed he had done nothing wrong. He just insisted that he wasn’t sure of his feelings anymore and that he felt I had a right to know. I asked him if he was going to move out or file for a divorce, and he said no right now. This is so devastating. I didn’t even I’m not sure how I’m supposed to respond to this or how I’m supposed to act. I feel like I’m walking on egg shells, but I don’t want him to get mad at me asking too many questions. In short, I just don’t know what to do and how to act What is the best way to approach this?”
I could see what this wife was fighting for. I know firsthand that there is nothing as painful as knowing that the person you love most in the world might not feel the same way. But fortunately, this wife intuitively knew that how she acted in the days ahead could well have a dramatic impact on the outcome of her marriage. I hear from many men in this situation on my blog, and have been through this myself, so I have a definite opinion on how to handle this, which I will discuss below.
As difficult as it may be, try not to constantly ask him to define his feelings or his plans: I know you would probably do anything to find out what your husband is thinking, planning, and feeling right now. But repeatedly questioning him about this is often the worst thing you can do. Many husbands say they wish they had never been honest with their wife about these feelings because she can’t talk or focus on anything else.
She always asks him if he has changed his mind. She is always looking for reassurance that the marriage is getting better. She always wants feedback that he just can’t give her right now, especially if she hasn’t even given him time to assess. I know you’re probably tempted to constantly ask if anything has changed. I was also. But it’s usually much better to have faith that you’ll know when you’ve made a decision or have more information. And frankly, it’s best if it takes you a while to make up your mind. Because this gives you time to try to improve things and influence her decision, which I’ll talk about now.
Try to be optimistic and try to make sure your marriage feels solid, but don’t make it obvious: Of course, you’ll want to make sure the two of you get along and reconnect. You want to feel the spark again. But you have to walk a very fine line. Because you don’t want your husband to think you’re just acting a certain way to change his mind. You want to be completely genuine but you also want to change things if you can.
You probably already know what your husband likes most about you. So you want to make sure this is what he sees. You don’t want him to see your insecure and needy side that makes him feel guilty or that he wants to spend less time with you because he knows doing so will only hurt you.
Suggest a suitable answer: As for how to respond, a suggested script might go something like, “well that’s very hurtful and certainly not what I wanted to hear. But I appreciate you being honest with me. I hope we can work this out because I still love you and value our marriage.” If there’s anything I can do or address that might make things better I’d really appreciate it if you let me know Can you share anything that’s bothering you?
Having said this, now you need to listen. You don’t want to argue, disagree, or tell him he’s wrong. If you do any of these things, he’ll get defensive and you can’t let that happen. You want to listen because sometimes the few words he says will give you incredibly important clues that you need to hear in order to come up with a workable plan to return the loving feelings.