I often dialogue with women who have recently found out that their husbands have cheated on them. I realize that very often, the wife is more concerned about the other woman or her husband’s mistress than her husband or her marriage. It is perfectly natural to wonder about this woman and want to know more about her. After all, she is the person who had a very important role in changing your world and you want to see for yourself who you are fighting.
So a lot of women email me when the other woman tries to initiate contact with them and they wonder what they should do. Common questions are: “Should I meet with her face to face or on the phone?”; “Should I tell my husband that I am meeting her?”; or “Should I just ignore this woman? Do I really want to let her into my life?” I will answer these questions in the next article.
Defining why you want to confront the lover: Before I offer my advice, I’d like you to take a minute and think about what you hope to accomplish by meeting the other woman. I’ll tell you what some common answers to this question are to get you started:
- You want to measure it. You want to know if she is younger than you, sexier than you or prettier than you. In short, is she viable competition?
- he wants to question her about how the affair happened and what is happening now and compare that with her husband’s version of events;
- she wants me to threaten her and tell her that it is better that she leave her family alone;
- he wants to appeal to his sense of decency and tell him that his actions are hurtful and ask him to stop immediately;
- you want to tell her that she can stay with your husband and that the two of you deserve each other; Prayed
- you want to tell him that you’re going to save your marriage and you want him to make his grand exit so he doesn’t get in your way.
Why you will often miss these goals when meeting the woman your husband is cheating on you with: Once you define what you want from this meeting, I want you to honestly consider whether you really think you can achieve it by meeting with her. Because, I can tell you that OVERWHELMINGLY my readers tell me that the meeting didn’t go as well as planned or even started to deliver what they expected.
Honestly, for the meeting to go well, this woman needs to be rational, honest, receptive, and communicative. Has her past behavior indicated that she is any of these things? Absolutely not. Her past behavior has shown her to be a liar, a traitor, a manipulator, and an opportunist. Therefore, it is foolish to think that you will get reliable help or information from her. In truth, she requested this meeting or is trying to contact you because she WANTS SOMETHING FROM YOU, something that will help her, not you.
Why the mistress is probably communicating with you: Often the mistress will contact the wife as part of a strategy. She wants to feel you and see who she is competing with. She wants to get words that she can use against her with her husband. She wants to paint herself as the innocent party in all of this (he moved closer to her). And she wants to make sure you know that she holds the cards, that she can continue to cheat on your husband and control your life if that’s what she wants to do.
Now sometimes the “other woman” will play this differently. She will initially apologize and swear that this is the first time she has done this, that she did not mean for this to happen and that she is deeply embarrassed. She will apologize as a way to ease her guilt. This may even give you closure or a sense of relief. But I have to tell you that many lovers who take this tactic often continue with the husband. They will show remorse and tell you one thing, only to do another.
Her real goal is to size you up, listen to your side of the story, and then go back and confront her lover (your husband) in the hope that SHE will reassure her that she is the one she really wants. It’s all part of a game she’s playing for her benefit.
What to communicate if you must meet with her: Despite all these facts, many women will tell me, “I know you’re right. You really are, but I have to see her. I can’t stand not knowing what she is like or who she is.” I understand this. I used to follow my husband’s mistress, but in the end, I never made contact because I realized that she would do more harm than good.
However, if you must talk to her, I would absolutely recommend keeping it short and sweet. Define the things you really want to convey, say them calmly and walk away. Don’t let him get you involved or pressure you for information. Don’t let him throw hurtful information at you that may not be true. Don’t let her pull you down into the mire of it.
The best revenge against her: In truth, what this woman is going to do more than anything is to IGNORE her and get your husband back (if you want him). Because really, what she wants more than anything is to insert herself into you and your husband’s life. She wants to hurt you, weaken you, and force your hand so that she looks more attractive by comparison.
Honestly, she has no place in your life, so don’t let her in. The best thing you can do is get her out of your life as soon as possible and close the door firmly and permanently.