Although inanimate, office supplies are not passive objects simply trapped in their everyday bondage, they are part of the torture and, in some cases, significantly intensify the difficulties. Every day, 16 people in the US are referred for a psychiatric evaluation after getting tangled in a paper jam or trying to replace an ink cartridge, and 21 people are seriously injured by paper clips. Neither of those statistics is really true, but I have no doubt that similar figures exist. Below are 5 of the worst culprits for conjuring up extreme office rage.
Paper
Needless to say, paper is an incredibly useful resource and if you want to jot down a few notes, print an important document, or build an epic paper plane complete with engineered wingtips, it can be tailored to suit your needs. However, when it gets annoying is when it seems like there is never enough. When you don’t need it, it piles up on your desk like a whispering mountain, and new packages sit on the shelf above the printer in all their pristine glory. But as soon as you decide to print a long document or need a completely new part for a colleague’s cartoon drawing, the printer will always run out of paper and every new sheet of paper will have a useless file path printed on the back thanks to someone who couldn’t be bothered to remove the blank lines at the end of their Word document and thus added an unnecessary extra page.
I think we should all use portable whiteboards and be done with it. Just hang one around our neck and then when we need to write something we have a canvas right there. It would also have the added benefit of saving the environment. After all, forests are cut down all over the world just so you can take note of having to remember to book an eye exam. Proud of yourself?
Pair of scissors
I guarantee that if you walk around the office and ask each of your colleagues for a pair of scissors, no one will be able to brandish a pair (unless they’ve had a troubled past). I’m convinced scissors are sensitive and sneak into secret scissor bars at night, leaving offices without cutting tools. Either that or someone in my office is collecting sharp objects, which can’t be a good thing.
How else am I supposed to make paper snowflakes when I should be writing important reports? You just can’t not get that satisfying slide / cut motion, you know what I mean, when you rip instead of cut. I have often considered creating a stationery belt and attaching a pair of scissors, permanently ready to unfold on my waist, but then I remembered that if I fell down some stairs, they would kill me.
Printer ink
Probably the most openly ridiculed stationery, printers and their precious ink are hated for good reason. More expensive than cut diamonds, new ink cartridges run out as soon as you print anything with an image. There’s nothing quite as infuriating as printing an important business document only to have it come out discolored and riddled with strange CMYK lines. Or that half of a document comes out perfect while the other half looks like an old, poorly preserved parchment.
Replacing cartridges is as annoying as shelling out cash for new ones, and despite the supposed lack of ink, there’s always enough to cover your fingers in deep black and splatter drops on your gleaming white shirt. Samir, Michael, and Peter got the right idea when they brought a baseball bat to their printer in Office Space and I’m pretty sure millions of people fight the urge to do the same thing every day.
Paper clips
Who really needs paper clips? When I need to hold the sheets of paper together, I staple them or put them in a plastic sleeve. At no point have I thought “Where are my paper clips? Where are my damn paper clips?” Using paper clips to hold sheets of paper together is as effective as licking the back of a new flat screen TV and trying to glue it to the wall.
Also, they seem to go everywhere. A seemingly small boat of paper clips is actually a never-ending source of annoyance and you’ll find them in the office for eternity. Even in places where no one has been. If you open the basement door, which has been closed since 1905, there will be at least a few clips lying around. They are like nervous rats. Every office also has a serial paper clip bender that twists them into ridiculous shapes (fish, people, letters, etc.) and leaves them in front of your computer. The only rational response to viewing a screen like this is to sweep everything from your desk to the floor with a quick wave of your arm.
Expensive pens
People with expensive writing instruments covet them like swords and get lyrical about their superiority. Let’s get one thing clear here: no one cares about premium grip, resin barrels, or any mention of titanium. Nobody. The only time an expensive pen is needed is during the signing of an important document on film. Give me a cheap pen any day. Giving over £ 300 for a pen is insane. Why not spend £ 200 and give the rest to a homeless person? With £ 100 they could change their lives and get into the office supply business.
Whats Next?
My advice would be to ditch traditional office supplies and bring in new and exciting alternatives that are less likely to lead to a heart attack. Expensive pens? Replace them with laser pens. Paper? Give everyone an engraved sketch. Believe me, as a result, everyone in your office will be happier and more productive.