Most relationships fail, and almost half of American adults are not married. Why can’t we find love and why don’t relationships last? Paradoxically, as much as we want love, we also fear it. The fear of not being loved is the biggest reason why we don’t find love and sabotage it in our relationships. In other words, we can create our worst fear by trying to avoid it. For people who are looking for love but attract distancers, this may sound ridiculous. We’d all like to blame our partner or bad luck, but that’s only half the story.
There are hidden reasons why we love. Our fears are usually not conscious.
They include the fear of physical or emotional abandonment (not being loved) which includes the fear of rejection and the fear of being alone and unloved. Toxic shame is the main culprit fueling these love-sabotaging fears. It takes many forms.
shame thwarts love
Shame fosters the belief that we are unloved and unworthy of connection. Our beliefs motivate our feelings and behavior. They are like the operating system of our mental software. Unfortunately, many negative beliefs run in the background and, like viruses, derail our conscious intentions. Shame-based ideas that we don’t deserve good, happiness, and love can sabotage our desires and block or drive away love. In short: we will not believe that we are acceptable to others if we do not accept ourselves. However, we can change our beliefs.
LOW SELF-ESTEEM AND JUDGMENT
Shame creates an inner critic who judges us harshly. Our critic also judges others. He can convince us that we are being judged. This anxiety further proves that we are not worthy of love. In fact, we’re so anxious about being unloved that we make false assumptions, filter out positive comments, and misinterpret things to reinforce our negative self-judgments and fear of rejection. Not surprisingly, research shows that the level of our self-esteem predicts the longevity of our relationships.
BLAME
Shame also creates guilt. Guilt is anger that turns against ourselves. It makes us feel without the right to success, happiness and love. In relationships, guilt blocks intimacy. We avoid closeness and certain topics to hide what we are afraid or ashamed to reveal for fear of rejection and abandonment. This is especially true when we have been dishonest in the relationship. Until we have completely forgiven ourselves, we will not feel worthy of love. We cannot move forward and we may even attract negative experiences and unsuitable partners. Self-forgiveness is entirely possible and is encouraged by every religion in the world.
PERFECTIONISM
When we feel flawed and insufficient, we can cope by trying to be perfect and beyond reproach. Perfectionism is a compulsive attempt to achieve unreasonable standards and expectations. This is of course impossible and leads to anxiety, fear of failure, irritability and unhappiness. Perfectionism obscures our innate value and makes us focus on the negative. By looking for what is wrong, we cannot enjoy pride and appreciate our attributes and achievements. Because we always fail to achieve the unattainable, perfectionism fuels our criticism and keeps us from loving ourselves and others. It also impairs our ability to take risks and be vulnerable and authentic, all of which are necessary to give and receive love. Instead, we feel more inadequate and self-critical. Perfectionists are hard to live with, especially when they criticize others and expect them to be perfect too. They can sabotage love and relationships.
INAUTHENTICITY
Shame makes us ashamed and afraid to reveal what we really think and feel. We are more concerned with not being judged or rejected. However, authenticity is actually more attractive and makes effective communication possible. It builds trust and allows real intimacy. Dysfunctional, dishonest, indirect, passive or aggressive communication prevents closeness and damages relationships.
COMPARISONS
Shame and feelings of inadequacy lead to comparisons. Instead of acknowledging our own worth, we evaluate whether we are doing better or worse than someone else. Feeling superior is a defense against shame, and envy comes from not feeling like we are enough. When we negatively compare our partner and relationship, we end up dissatisfied. However, when we accept ourselves, we have humility. We do not think we are better or worse. We accept others and realize that we are all unique and flawed individuals.
Mistrust blocks love
Many people, especially codependents, have a dysfunctional trust relationship. They are overly trusting, which can lead to disappointment and betrayal; or they build walls of mistrust to keep love out. People often say they trust someone until they are given a reason not to, while other people who have been hurt wait to be hurt again. They fear rejection and abandonment and expect the worst. They are suspicious and imagine false things about their partner that are difficult to disprove. We trust too quickly because we are impatient for love and afraid of being unloved and alone. A wise position is to be neutral, allow a relationship to develop naturally, and trust to build on experience.
lack of integrity
When we sacrifice our values to accommodate our partner, it is to maintain the relationship for fear of abandonment. No matter how we justify it to ourselves, when our behavior is not aligned with our standards, we feel guilt or shame that lowers our self-esteem and self-worth. By abandoning ourselves, we jeopardize the very relationship we are trying to save.
You can beat perfectionism, free yourself from guilt, and raise your self-esteem. Follow the steps for healing from shame in Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Unlocking Your True Self.
© 2019 DarleneLancer