You can walk into a room and find ways to entertain guests even though you’d rather avoid the crowds. People are drawn to your sense of humor and charm. You are the life of the party and you seem to have your act together. People would never guess that you are very insecure and afraid of rejection. You experience difficulty managing your strong feelings of frustration and anger. You enter into relationships with people who easily submit to your views and demonstrate blind loyalty. Isn’t a relationship sustainable in which someone is aware of your every word and deed? How long can a person demonstrate unconditional acceptance of her every thought, feeling, and behavior?
Many with this personality type grew up in environments where emotional, physical, or sexual abuse was present. They were made to feel unworthy of a parent’s love and often turned to drugs or alcohol to cope with feelings of rejection and insecurity. Like the breeder/saboteur, the charmer/attacker attempted to find acceptance through pacifying behavior. Many times he was unsuccessful and found solace in friends, drugs, music and other related moral issues. He learned his social media presentation and social functions with his peers. He discovered that drug use helped ease his feelings of insecurity and fear when he was around others.
People addicted to drugs or alcohol may possess many of the charmer/attacker personality traits. The charmer/attacker gains a sense of control by maintaining relationships with others who wholeheartedly accept her behavior. Many times, a caregiver/saboteur is drawn to this personality type because of the charmer’s ability to use humor and charm to introduce the caregiver that he or she is needed and valued. This is not to say that the charmer/attacker doesn’t need the caretaker. She is very compatible with someone who will avoid conflict and ensure harmony in the relationship.
The charmer/attacker does not usually stay committed to only one partner in a relationship. Due to drug abuse and/or a lack of substance in their relationship, he is easily drawn to one-night stands and other high-risk activities. When these or any of his activities are challenged, he will become aggressive and threatening in an attempt to regain control of the relationship. Your feelings of insecurity and fear of rejection will be taken advantage of, contributing to your pathological responses of projecting blame and making empty promises. Years of pain and anger from him will surface in verbal and physical attacks. He will use intimidating and abusive tactics to deal with relationship problems and force his partner to submit to his will. Initially, he can use his charm and make promises to change his behavior. As his credibility wanes, he will turn to psychological and physical tactics to control the relationship. Domestic violence is a common theme in this relationship.
The charmer/attacker is a person who takes from the world to satisfy their needs without considering the consequences of their actions. Many antisocial (sociopathic) characteristics can be found in this personality type. The charmer wants the world to surrender to her needs and performs artificial acts of love and respect to entice others into giving him what he wants. He has not internalized the concepts of love, respect, and honesty due to his self-centered views and constant pursuit of self-gratification. Remember, as a child, this person was rejected and turned to other means to meet his needs. He never developed the concept of morality beyond what he learned on morally related topics. His destructive behavior usually continues until he suffers serious consequences in life, such as imprisonment or near-death experiences. The charmer/attacker can be very adept at presenting a caring and loving message to others, but he only does it to get what he wants. Initially, positive virtuous behavior may reciprocate, but he will perform these virtues less and less as the relationship progresses.
In order for the charmer/attacker to transition to a healthier state, they must begin to assess the consequences of their behavior. Although most of the time he serves himself, his behavior results in poor relationships and superficial experiences. You have not created purpose and meaning in your life. These consequences must become more powerful than the rewards of your self-centered, narcissistic behavior. The charmer/attacker must begin to accept responsibility for his hurtful behavior and address his own past pain to identify ways to manage his tendency to satisfy his needs at any cost. He must identify specific acts that are harmful to others along with the precipitants for his acting in harmful and abusive ways. Many people who fall into this personality type will need extensive therapy and support groups to help them identify the hurts they have inflicted on others and to keep their “demons” at bay. Support groups for addicts and victims/perpetrators of abuse are the most common for this type of personality. The charmer/attacker will need to identify the triggers for frustration and anger, which are the emotions that drive their behavioral presentation. He will need to develop ways to regulate strong emotional responses to his perception of rejection and pain, while controlling his impulsive response to find quick fixes to feel good again.
The first step toward a healthier state is taking responsibility for acting in unhealthy ways by abusing addictive people and substances. Watch how you justify your actions to make yourself feel good while ignoring how your behavior affects others. Taking a daily inventory of behavior and using love, respect, and honesty as a moral guide can help people with this personality recognize and repair the harm they cause to others and to themselves. Second, the charmer/attacker must accept that they will feel neutral and bad some days and not act in a risky way to get a “high” or feel instant pleasure. Negative emotions play an important role in our lives. They let us know that we need to slow down and process our environment and our relationships. Feelings of sadness, pain, frustration and anger tell us that we need to stay in touch with the present moment and take care of ourselves in positive and nurturing ways. Abusing drugs, alcohol and people close to us will not achieve this. We must reach out to others and show love and respect while allowing these virtues to be reciprocated. By demonstrating acts of love and respect to others, we divert our attention from ourselves and begin to move our negative emotions to a more rational and neutral state.
Finally, the charmer/attacker needs to develop the ability to let go of those worries and difficulties that they have no control over. Negative emotions will not pass when a person fixates on problems and worries that they cannot affect or change. This contributes to your irrational thinking and feelings of helplessness. In times of difficulty, this person will be inclined to seek quick solutions to rid their thoughts of uncontrollable problems. He will verbally and physically hurt others to release his frustration and anger. He will abuse drugs and alcohol to alleviate his feelings of helplessness and insecurity. By focusing on actions that he can control and by treating others with love, respect, and honesty, he can begin to develop meaningful ways of dealing with worries and problems while maintaining healthier relationships.