Many wives dealing with a cheating husband have no sympathy for him, no matter how much he apologizes or looks utterly broken and pathetic while doing so. It seems that sympathetic wives are in the minority. And this can make them wonder why they feel this way and what is wrong with them.
A wife might say, “I’m not going to tell you that I don’t feel anger or rage toward my cheating husband. I feel both. I’m really sorry. But somewhere along the way, I started feeling sorry for myself.” for him. I think he cheated because he’s been under a lot of stress. His brother, to whom he is very close, is ill. He just lost his job and hates his new job, for which he is extremely overqualified. He made a mistake fixing up our house that caused our floors to warp and flood and we had to pay money we couldn’t afford to fix it. So I think for the last few months, my husband has walked around feeling totally incompetent. When he told me about the adventure, he sobbed. He said his worst fear was losing me because I was the only thing keeping him going. Maybe I’m stupid, but I believe him. Him. Because he’s clearly broken. My mother says that I am very naive to fall for this. She says that he’s just trying to win my sympathy so she can cheat on me again and she won’t suspect him. Is this true? We have been married for a long time and this is the first time he has cheated on us.
Why I think this may be normal: I can’t predict the future, but I absolutely understand why you feel sympathy. Once I got over my anger with my own husband, I was able to see that he was a stressed and broken person who tried different things to relieve himself. Of course, there is never an excuse to cheat in an attempt to get some relief. He would never defend someone who cheats on his spouse. But I firmly believe that most people who cheat once and have never shown any signs of cheating before are probably acting at a time of great personal crisis. And this is a time in their life where they are struggling a lot. This does not excuse it, but I believe it to be true. Because you love them, of course you feel empathy. And because you can still empathize, this can sometimes tell you important things about how you really feel (or don’t feel) about your marriage. So no, I don’t think you’re crazy, being overly nice, or giving your husband a pass to cheat on you.
Traps to avoid: Here is something that is very important. While it’s normal to feel empathy, it’s important that you don’t let that same empathy stop you from doing what you need to do. Sure, her husband is going through a difficult time and this probably contributed to her making a very bad decision. But she must learn new coping strategies and/or must deal with whatever problem it is. Because you have to take care of yourself. And part of that is making sure he doesn’t cheat on you again.
What I’m saying is that you have to be very careful that your empathy doesn’t stop you from insisting that he do the work necessary to fully heal himself and protect yourself from this happening in the future. Because I think it’s safe to say that if he cheated on you again, you wouldn’t be as sympathetic the second time around.
So while I understand sympathy, you can’t let this distract you from the fact that he must also act in your best interest. The good news is that healing his marriage after an affair may also help with his problems because it will force him to identify and deal with them. Please resist the urge to let him skip this step because it will bring up things that are painful for him. Yes, he will hurt and it will be uncomfortable. But if you don’t address it, it will keep hurting over and over again because it never really resolves itself.
But to answer the original concern, nothing happens to you. And I don’t think it’s naive or wrong to feel sympathy when someone has made a horrible mistake during a time of crisis. It is extremely unfortunate that his mistake is something that is going to hurt you and your marriage, but it is not uncommon for this to happen. The key is not to let sympathy keep you both from going through the healing process. Because there is never an excuse to cheat. And not dealing with the issues at hand only makes you vulnerable down the road.