Emotions are not something that just churns around in the brain; they invade every cell in the body and affect the immune system. However, they are resourceful in that they not only communicate our internal response to change, but just as importantly, they eventually provide many messages about how to deal with our current dilemma.
How we perceive a particular loss has a huge impact on the emotions that surface. If we believe that the loss of a loved one was inevitable, we mourn it in a way. If we believe that the loss is unjustified, we will grieve in a very different way.
The three most obvious emotions associated with grief are anger, guilt, and depression. Some mourners experience one or more of these emotions, others none at all.
If you are currently dealing with one of the above, consider the questions these emotions pose for you. Then apply your responses by taking specific action and see if the course of your complaint improves.
1. Although anger is an acceptable emotion because it deprives us of something valuable, it also sends the following messages to listen carefully. Am I using my anger to cover up other emotions (such as fear, frustration, depression, dependency, or guilt)? Is it making me refuse to accept death and prolong my suffering? What do I need to restore to let go of my anger? This question asks you to consider what you should do with your emotional energy, where to reinvest it.
Is my anger frustrating my ability to love? Love is the most powerful coping response you can generate in adjusting to your loss because it will open you up to a different view of your world, and the role of inevitable loss and change. Am I turning my anger into a grudge by refusing to forgive? The gift of a grudge is the security of continued misery.
2. Guilt usually asks for the following. Am I acting like I should be omnipotent? Often when recalling an event that led to guilt, the mourner becomes a second guesser, saying, “Should I have done this or that?” Guilt also says what do I need to change? Pain perpetually dictates change. And guilt suggests that I can change the way I view the event that causes the guilt.
Is this true cause-and-effect guilt or is it neurotic guilt (where the effect dwarfs any possible cause or no cause at all)? If it is true fault, how can I repair it? If it’s neurotic guilt, why do I feel responsible for everything? Keep in mind that most of the guilt associated with the death of a loved one is not true guilt. One way to deal with neurotic guilt is to focus on all the good things you did for your loved one.
3. Depression mood disorder is not only one of the most common emotions experienced, it is also the most researched. The following questions are addressed to those experiencing an uncomplicated acute illness with reactive depression. What should I drop? The late psychiatrist, M. Scott Peck, defined depression as our inability to give up the old for the new, which is a very normal human response to massive change. What routines, beliefs, approaches, relationships, or old parts of your life do you need to let go of?
And depression raises one of the most important questions of all: What do I need to add to my life? What knowledge, skills, abilities or perceptions? What everyday spirituality will help me transcend my great loss?
To summarize, you create your emotional responses when a loved one dies based on your beliefs, perceptions, and meanings associated with the loss. A careful review of the factors involved in the depth of your emotions, along with the inner wisdom your emotions may present in the form of some of the questions listed above, highlights the unusual resource that lies within you. Let it be used and played.
Study the questions carefully. They require a lot of your time and careful analysis. The result will be that you will better direct the course of your tort work and adjust to your great loss.