By now you know that around here we talk a lot about serving what we want. By definition, this means becoming the kind person who can attract the MOTOS (Members of the Opposite Sex) we dream of. But more importantly, it ALSO means that we have to know how to RECOGNIZE the great ones and REMOVE the bad ones from our lives. Then, and ONLY then, will we have a clear shot at entering that magical realm affectionately known as “total control over one’s love life.”
Once we get past personal issues related to confidence (eg, “Great women? That’s for other men…they’ll never like ME”) and/or total laziness, it’s time to take inventory on the kind of women we are. guys have been inviting into our lives. As you’ve heard me speak before, far too many men find themselves in the position of waking up one day to find themselves married to a woman they didn’t even CHOSE.
How the hell does that happen? Well, it all starts when they hook up with someone out of sheer convenience or even coincidence who likes them a bit. But what perpetuates it is the simple truth that even when a man finds himself in such a mediocre situation, he STILL doesn’t end things… at least not soon enough.
Below are six lame (but unfortunately very common) excuses that we as men use to fool ourselves into staying in relationships that are far from satisfying. And really all we’re talking about today is equal opportunity, so the ladies out there listen. By the way, FAIR WARNING, I’m about to put it on the line in a totally direct way, so be prepared.
1) “But the sex is pretty good”
Man, if this isn’t the battle cry of the sex-focused but desperate man. The insidious thought here is that if the breakup happens, he’s not going to “get anything”…perhaps for a LONG time.
This is not simply myopic, it completely lacks vision. Often the same men who find “sexual variety” an exciting thought are the exact same men who stay with the same woman just because their sex life might suffer if they don’t. I’m not sure if this is “oxymoronic” or just “jerk”. But those are the tricks a man’s mind can play on him when sex is the only goal.
I don’t care who the woman is, after having sex with her several times, she will know how to move and will need something MUCH deeper to sustain a relationship. Do you need proof? Okay, for all you “one-handed web surfers,” look out for the web’s smoking hottest hottie you can find. Get all the video clips and photos you can handle. How long will it be until you get bored and look for the next one? I’ll give you fifteen minutes… tops. Real life is no different. If it’s all about sex, your priorities are messed up.
By the way, there is another angle on this. If you stay with a woman because the sex is particularly good, I have news for you. Women tend to respond to a man’s leadership in the bedroom. Good sex starts with you. Once you can ignite female passion, you will find that women respond. On the other hand, if you’re a “sex-focused but desperate man” as mentioned, you have a very real point in believing that you “got lucky” if the woman you’re currently with is sexually arousing.
2) “But she’s the HOTTEST I’ve ever been with”
This concept closely follows the previous one. When a guy who is used to dating mediocre women meets a particularly attractive one, it’s incredibly easy to fall into the trap of believing that never in a million years will he be able to repeat that good fortune.
Now, once the woman realizes this, one of three things can happen. First, her insecurity will make her realize he’s out of her league and her breakup will work itself out…courtesy of her. Second, she can be an outstanding woman of complete character who matches her outward beauty and makes everyone happy, and rightfully so. BUT… she can also proceed opportunistically to make the most of the situation and crush the guy into oblivion. This third situation is the one that interests me most for now.
What’s the cure for letting go of the sexiest woman you’ve ever been with when you know she’s poisonous? Easy. If you can do this once, you can do it again. How’s that for a simple answer? It’s all a matter of personal trust. It was no accident that she was attracted enough to you to be with you. Other women will feel the same way…and if she continues to develop her masculine character and her confidence level, she will discover that she can even RAISE THE BOUNDARY. I’ve lost count of the number of guys I know who have finally kicked the wrong (but attractive) woman out of her life only to slap themselves over the head sooner rather than later for not doing it for months (or even years). before.
3) “I don’t want to make her cry… I would feel like a bad boy”
Granted, most men don’t like to make women cry. And it’s not even about women being “emotional manipulators” most of the time. We as men do this to ourselves simply because we want to avoid something that is unpleasant and perhaps causes some guilt. The truth is, if the breakup is meant to happen, putting off an upsetting moment only increases the potential agony later on. Imagine the tears if you head to divorce court a few years from now… with small children at stake.
4) “Oh man… I’d have to start all over again.”
Okay, there may indeed be some insecurity involved here. But in reality, this is usually sheer laziness. Even if the relationship doesn’t live up to expectations, it’s often too COMFORTABLE to stay. Otherwise, a guy has to go out and meet another woman, go through the whole “meeting you” process, meet the parents again, build another whole story, etc.
And why does all of that sound like drudgery instead of something that’s actually exciting? Truth be told, staying in stagnant relationships can, in these cases, literally be a matter of continuing to wake up doing exactly what happened yesterday instead of TAKING ACTION. That’s right… pure PROCRASTINATION.
Not surprisingly, many men report that they have “lifted a weight off their shoulders” when they finally make the right decision in these situations and break things off. Go figure.
By the way, for most people who deserve what they want, it takes a lot less time to make a real, valid connection with someone new than they think. Personally, I put someone online in the morning, went for coffee in the afternoon, and soon shared a mutual feeling of “having known each other for ten years.” Knowing that it is a totally replicable scenario can avoid having to “start over”, right?
5) “It’s just a phase… We’ll figure it out and get over it.”
Also known as “denial.” So do you think the inability to get along, be sexually compatible and/or share a common core belief system is going to “change over time”? You are fooling yourself. And you’re in especially deep yogurt if she tells you that “having a baby” will “bring you two closer.”
Don’t yell at me for telling the truth. It never ceases to amaze me how I can repeatedly come across couples in public who can’t stand each other…and aren’t even married.
6) “She just has this way of putting me off.”
I’ll tell you, some women are world-class expert salespeople. His determination is impressive at times. Impressive enough to make you keep her close, perhaps even after you’ve openly expressed your desire to move on. This can be presented through such classic statements as: “I haven’t been myself lately…give me a chance”, “How can you throw away something so GOOD?” and “You just don’t know what you want.” don’t want to yet, you’ll wake up and see how big I am to you soon.”
Of course, there’s my personal least favorite, the infamous, “What? Do you think you’ll EVER find someone as good as me?” Yes Yes. See #2 above. That’s manipulation at its worst.
For the six examples above, another sentiment generally applies and is common to each. That’s the whole notion of, “Hey, there’s always someone out there worse than me, right?” This is not the mentality of someone who considers himself serving what he wants, is it?
The bottom line is this: he (or she) staying with someone long after the breakup probably should have been ADJUSTED.
And “settle” invariably leads to bitterness. The one who feels that he could have “done better” has his nose pressed against the glass looking at “greener grass” elsewhere…probably feeling nauseous the whole time. But what about the person who has been “established”? Is he or she doing somersaults for her good fortune? Not in your life… the feeling of being unloved by your “significant other” is one of the most empty, humiliating and demeaning feelings you can imagine.
The truth is that EVERYONE SUFFERS when people STRENGTHEN.